Muppet Humor

Walmart Husband!

A friend sent me this. I liked so I thought I would post for all to read.

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with her to Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..and watched what happened.

5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme .

12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least...

15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Chicago's Most Famous Cop!

Happy 75th Birthday Dick Tracy!
Here's to the man that gave us the two-way wrist radio!

Stretching the Truth.....

In yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times there was a story about a Dr. Sheldon Burman. At age 80, the state of Illinois revoked his license to practice because in the past ten years he had been named in 45 malpractice suits. What makes it worse is that Dr. Burman specialty is Penis Enlargement.

Ouch.

The article goes into detail how Dr. Burman's procedure worked, or in 45 cases how it didn't work. I'll spare you all that. What I thought was bizarre was that Dr. Burman was once a respected heart surgeon until a car accident in 1981 left him with limited mobility (read in "he got the shakes"). Now I respect the Doctor's decision to shutdown his cardiology practice, but wouldn't you think that he would have realized that one mistake down there could be just as life-altering?

Joke Time

Uncle Ed sent this to me. I just love jokes like this :).....

The Moles

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....MOLASSES"

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Coffee Dilemma

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

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What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam!

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Two Peanuts went to the Police Station to file a complaint that they were a salted.


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One day there was these three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. the baby tomato was walking too slow, so the daddy tomato went back, stepped on him and said ketchup!

Dave's Top Ten

Top Ten Signs The Guy In The Cubicle Next To You Is Michael Jackson

10. Fax machine always clogged with subpoenas

9. There's a llama tethered to the water cooler

8. Only cubicle that has a ferris wheel

7. Carpet is covered with sequins and monkey hair

6. Asks if office has a third option besides "Men's Room" and "Ladies' Room"

5. Borrows your Wite-Out to touch up his face

4. Recycling bin is filled with surgical masks

3. They canceled "Bring Your Child to Work Day"

2. He answers his phone with a high-pitched "hee hee"

1. Everyone around the office is asking who the new white chick is

To visit the Top Ten Archive click here....always good for a quick laugh.

Larry King Moments.....

I don't know about you but sometimes I really miss reading Larry King's column in USA Today......Does anyone know who invented the shoe horn? That guy (or gal) deserves a pat on the back.....I can't stop thinking about Million Dollar Baby, proof that it's a great movie.....Super Bowl prediction Seahawks 32, Steelers 17...... Nobody could whistle like Bing Crosby...... Can you imagine what you would find out if you could channel the spirit of Shelly Winters?.....Seems like there is a Smith in every city I visit.

OK, I'm better now.

The Tomato Company

My friend Diane sent the story to me I thought I would post for all to enjoy:

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

What's My Line's Line

I was up late last night watching the Game Show Network, What's My Line came on with the regular panelists and I began to think other than being on this game show what the heck did these people do to earn their fame. Well if anything it gave me another reason to surf the net.

Arlene Francis was a moderately successful Broadway actress and NYC radio host. Her favorite song was My Funny Valentine; if you need something to make you sleep you can check out her tribute page.

Bennett Cerf was an interesting character; he started Random House publishing and had a bunch of riddle, jokes and limerick books. There was an interesting web page where he discusses being the publisher for Ayn Rand (a hero of mine).

Dorothy Killgallen was the most fascinating of them all (who would have thunk it, she was definitely the Shrew on the show). A syndicated journalist/columnist, whose reporting, almost as much as anything, was responsible for getting a new trial for Dr. Sam Shepard. In addition, she was a vocal critic of the Warren Commission investigating the assassination of President Kennedy. A few days before her death, from a mix of alcohol and barbiturates (sounds familiar), she had a private interview with Jack Ruby. Supposedly she was on the verge of breaking a major story on the assassination. The autopsy declared the cause of death as undetermined and her notes from the Ruby interview have never been found. Conspiracy nuts have had a field day with this ever since. You should check out the Death of Dorothy Killgallen for more information.